Part 2 in a 2-Part Series on Raising Porn-Free Kids
In my first article, I discussed two ways to raise porn-free kids. In this article, I will talk about two more ways. These two ways are concerned with creating an atmosphere of praise and grace.
Kids will get started on porn for a variety of reasons and oftentimes they get hooked because porn becomes a “safe haven” ̶ an escape from life’s troubles. To raise and nurture porn-free kids, you need to do your best to make your home a safe refuge in which your child can be open and honest. Creating an atmosphere of praise and grace is essential to making your home a safe refuge.
3) Practice Praise
Kids need a place of praise and encouragement in order to feel safe and in order to do difficult things. This includes praise for their efforts in battling pornography.
When offering praise, think quality rather than quantity. Use caution and do not overdo the praise. Be careful not to praise your child for achievements that come easily, or for doing things they already love to do. Praise should challenge them and cause them to strive to do better. Be sincere and specific. Use descriptive praise that conveys realistic and attainable standards. Praise kids for qualities and behaviors that they have the power to change. Encourage your child to master skills of their own and avoid comparing them to others. And, of course, praise should be age appropriate and developmentally suitable.
Here are some examples of how to praise a child’s effort to be porn-free:
- “You must have worked really hard to stick with the family Internet covenant.”
- “I like your answer to this question—I can tell you really thought about it.”
- “You are vigilant about making healthy choices, no wonder you had such great results!”
- “I’m proud of how hard you worked to guard your eyes.”
- “I know this is hard for you, but if you keep working hard like you are, I know you can do it.”
For more information on how to praise your child in healthy ways, consider checking out these books for your boy or girl.
4) Give Grace
You can’t shelter your child forever, and your child will more than likely run into pornography in their lifetime. It is also likely that your child will make mistakes and make decisions you won’t agree with. You can’t fully protect them from pornography, but you can choose to offer grace .
So what is Grace? Grace is free and unmerited favor. Grace is giving others what they do not deserve. God showed us grace when He gave His Son as a sacrifice on the cross for our salvation. He came to die for us while we were still sinners (Romans 5:8). God calls you, as a Christ follower, to excel in grace in your life (2 Corinthians 8:7).
While you can’t offer salvation, you can offer kindness, gentleness, and forgiveness (Colossians 4:6). You can excel in grace by addressing the issue of porn with a graceful presence, gentle words, and by keeping short accounts even when you feel your child does not deserve it.
The bottom line is: Don’t overreact. Freaking out will only cause your child to become more secretive about their pornography use. Take a deep breath and spend some time thinking about how you will respond before engaging with your child. Offering grace will give your child the space to talk freely about their actions and choices.
How Can Christian Counseling Help with Porn?
It takes intentionality to raise porn-free kids in our sex-saturated culture. It is important to seek professional help if you believe that your child has been viewing porn for an extended period. Not all exposure to porn will require counseling, but it is good for children to have a safe place to talk about their experience. An experienced Christian counselor can come alongside you and your child and give you the tools to talk about pornography. To find out more about Christian counseling, and to reach out for understanding and compassionate care, feel free to contact me.
“Wooden pearls,” courtesy of Modnar, morguefile.com; “Heart Hands,” courtesy of JoeysPhotos, morguefile.com
Author Info
Heidi Monuteaux, MA, LMHC
Licensed Counselor
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